My cat gives me a boner
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
