I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
