I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
