i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
