my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
