tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
