I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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