if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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