that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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