I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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