I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
