mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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