I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
