Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
