I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
