I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
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