Michael Bay diarrhea
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
