dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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