Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
