omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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