saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
