I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
