cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
