I haven't been this sober since birth.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
