I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
