In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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