I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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