A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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