I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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