Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
