3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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