Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
