Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
