Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
