Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
