i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
