thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
