My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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