Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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