Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
