On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
