You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
