last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
