I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
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I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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