Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
