you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
