i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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