you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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