thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
