I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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