i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
