oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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