piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
