After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
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New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
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Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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