woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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