So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
People in love make me want to vomit
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
