Soap is not a condiment
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
