I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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