Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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